This you won't believe

I EXPECT we all had some thoughts or other about the fella who bid—and of course was happily given—the mooring for which he offered four times its value.

But would you believe—he hasn't a boat! No, my friends, it's in the course of being completed, and will be a matter of 'three or four months' before it occupies the most expensive linear mooring in the country.

It seems he has lots and lots of equipment to buy for its fit-out, and er, might have a bit of a problem finding the cash...

Daft buggers

SO OUR masters in their suspect reasoning have decreed that Kegworth Deep Lock on the Soar be now named Kegworth New Lock. A few calls here, there and everywhere couldn't find the reason why.

Then trundling back down the Soar, to our surprise we met a Canaltime boat coming up, with the lady 'mate' answering our question, "Yes, we are allowed up here."

So that's it. Mystery solved! For obviously, our masters do not want to frighten the nervous Canaltimers with a 'deep' lock, so have renamed it 'new' lock—dashed clever eh?

The idiots not realising of course that anyone venturing into the chamber will immediately realise it is—deep!

Crazy times

A WHILE ago the fire service descended on Harecastle Tunnel to do its fire drill, but did not move the fire boat—not allowed you know! All to do with health and safety.

Yet when we passed through last year the local British Waterways lads were on hand to man a rescue boat should a boat break down in the tunnel, in fact the fella on duty that day told of his experience at getting people out.

But not anymore—he's not allowed. For the life of me I just cannot understand it. Has everyone gone mad?

What will happen?

WE HAVE often used Harecastle Tunnel for our cruises. Must have been a dozen times or more, the last time on our way to Chester we went through on our own.

But what would have happened if the engine gave up the ghost in the middle of the tunnel with the fire boat not allowed in as there was no fire, and now no rescue boat? If there is no help available, I can only see one solution—one of the wonders of the waterways closed!

I agree

I MUST say I agreed with the emailer who thought it 'slightly odd that you often see a burly chap on the tiller, whilst a women of diminutive stature does all the heavy work of operating paddles and opening badly hung gates'.

Which brings the badly hung broad lock gates on the Trent & Mersey to mind. Only too often have I seen a well built fella stood holding the tiller whilst a woman strains herself attempting to open and close the gates and wind the stiff paddle gear.

It is sheer idleness on the part of men or is it misplaced male pride in what they mistakenly see as something that requires great skill and only they can do?

Getting greedy

FOR those of you who enjoyed the Middlewich Boat Festival this year, it could well have been a non-starter.

For the police, satisfied with £117 for policing the event in the past, had this year demanded a whopping 900% increase to nearly £1,000! And it was a late shock, just a few weeks before the week-end of the show, with the organisers clearly having not budgeted for the massive increase. Rates for admission and charges for stall holders had been already set by this time, so it was just an hope for lots of visitors to cover the extra cost.

But it was a matter of 'the show must go on', but for how long? Will now be the question.

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Normal procedure

I SHOULD imagine everybody knows about the state of the residential property market at the moment, with an estimated fall in the average house price of £3,000 in a single month.

So how do British Waterways respond? Contrary to the absolute cardinal rule in property sales it put an estimated £50 million residential properties on the market!

I have to ask, with the hundreds of thousands of pounds it has been squandering recently—you know the thing, £800,000 in advertising the waterways in winter; £500,000 tagging sea fish—is the Board really fit to run our waterways?

Nice if you can get it

DID you know that British Waterways worthy Chairman, Tony Hales, gets a cool £49,366 for working just two days a week.

I think you can all calculate that—nearlly£500 a day. Little wonder he has accepted another spell at the job...

Hacked off

CONTINUING my tale of the missing bollards at Hack Green that are to be turned—courtesy of health and safety—into rings.

Though The Shropshire Union Canal Society was all geared-up and rarin' to go to get them installed, it was left to our masters to supply the necessary drill bit, which after six weeks they finally provided at the Bank Holiday lockwind, but as members were hoping to install the rings during their way there it now means a special journey to do the job.

Members of the society were not however too surprised,—and here I quote—'The experience of the society this year has been that trying to get British Waterways to do anything is like trying to turn round a super oil tanker. You give the instructions but it takes weeks for them to have an effect'.

Pulling the wool

I LEARN there are about two dozen empty berths at British Waterways Whixall Marina on the Llangollen Canal, so how come Sally Ash can claim that the market demand was far greater than the supply—hence the mooring trials?

Like our Ralph, I cruise out of season, and can see new marinas that are far from full, with only brokerage berths creaking at the seams.

And believe me, it's getting worse.

Oh dear!

A TRADITIONALISTS nightmare is only how the concept boat Whitefield, built by Fernwood to a clients' specification, can be described.

Exhibited at Crick—a year late—it really has to be seen to be believed, and though not a traditionalist myself, and willing to accept something a little away from the norm of narrowboats, this particular one has to be seen to be believed.

I won't go into details, for I'm sure you wouldn't believe me, but joystick steering? With bow thrusters bow and stern? How good it that? Not very good at all, for the steerer managed to crash into the bridge holes coming away from Crick crippling the state-of-the art electrically operated cratch and did the sun lounge on the roof no good at all, with an extra wallop in Crick tunnel,

Even its computer controls for the engine, its multitude of gismos including a depth gauge, rudder positioning and a GPS unit couldn't save it.

Perhaps the crew was too interested in the installed five flat screen televisions...

That's why

AS FAR as this concept boat is concerned, notwithstanding its multitude of gismos. it shows what a good reason it is why the narrowboat has remained virtually the same design for the past 200 years.

New stuff like this will always have its pitfalls, and I can well understand how control was lost and so much damaged inflicted when the boat was being steered by a joystick.

Only its own

THERE is a rumour going around that our masters are requiring marina operators to report on unlicenced boats on their berths so that action can be taken. No, no, this is not general, but at present only applies to boats in its own marinas, as British Waterways Marinas Ltd.